Dear 2011,

goodbye. and fuck you. from every direction.

2011, you were quite the disappointment to me. Being OCD, I have an incredible obsession with numbers, with 11 being my “perfect” number. Clearly, you can imagine my excitement at the prospects of 2011. I mean, a WHOLE year with my number as an endcap?!  Yes please, with supersauce on the side.

And then you smacked me in the face. You pushed me into a wall. You knocked me over and kicked me while I was down. I am pretty sure you even had brass knuckles on when you punched me. You were a dirty, dirty fighter. I had such an amazing 2010, and your rotten behavior has left me questioning if for every good thing I experience, I am destined to have that joy punished with an equally nasty let down.

You robbed me of a friend. Of my soul-puppy. You stole my hope. You ripped apart a relationship. You made me watch an amazing couple die. You have forced me to face a lot of things I really didn’t want to face. You proved that though I have an amazing reputation for building walls and barriers, I was capable of building them even higher. Even stronger and harder to get through.

I don’t like being stuck behind walls.

So fuck you. I will not let your black cloud hold me down any further. Because you know what? 2012 looks like it may hold some more darkness. But it also has a big, fat, ridiculously blinding light at the end of the tunnel. Because in all your rotten-ness, you did something positive for me. You made me fall down. Hard. And while I was getting comfortable being down for the count, I opened my eyes. And I took a good look around. And realized I didn’t like where I was. And only I can change that.

And that is what I am doing in 2012.

It will be a good year. Because I said so.

pooped pug

a couple of weekends ago we took Tinsley to Barkingham Dog Park in Fort Myers. We didn’t plan well, and it was too warm to adventure much with the pugster. But she walked the trails for a few minutes, which was more than enough to poop her out.

I think it made her happy though, don’t you think?

merry christmas!

*shamelessly borrowed from a plaque I purchased at Marshalls 😉

 

Wishing everyone a wonderful, joyful holiday!

And because a holiday just isn’t the same without a sweet pugface…my 2011 Christmas card:

inside:

 

isn’t it strange, how we move our lives for another day

the title is from a song that knocks me to my knees. it reminds me how short life is. it reminds me to appreciate what I have. it was what was playing the last time I saw my friend. he died the next day.

One year ago, I woke up to a Facebook status update of a self portrait of my friend in a hospital bed. One year ago, our phone rang alot. One year ago, I decided to bake cookies to bring to the hospital for my friend when he got out of surgery. One year ago, the mood continuously grew darker. One year ago, we got the worst possible news. One year ago, our friend, Angel Torres, died far too young.

I miss him. A lot.

His cookies are still on my kitchen counter.

the back-up plan

…well you didn’t think I was just going to leave you hanging did you?!

You had to know that last post was leading up to something?!

A brief history of a girl who needs a back-up plan:
I never finished college. I kick myself a lot for that. But I never knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. College seems sort of expensive when you are unsure and walking around with a question mark over your head. I have worked lots of different jobs. Excelled at most of them. But in the end, you can only go so far as a peon. Even if you are the head peon. Head peons don’t make much money 🙂

Long, complicated story cut very short. One of my favorite coworkers was leaving for bigger and better things. There was a temper tantrum involved. And a job in the classifieds. And some foot stomping and even some tears. And suddenly, my little mind connected some dots, a very bright lightbulb went off, and suddenly I was keeping a pretty big secret from an awful lot of people.

I am terrible at keeping secrets. HORRIBLE. Seriously, don’t trust me with your secret stuff, because I won’t be able to keep it to myself!

But remember that last post? The whole insecurity thing? Mmmhmmm, insecurity makes it so very easy to keep a big secret when there is big potential for failure.

But it seems someone filled up my empty glass. Because success is what arrived in my mailbox on Thursday:

I present to you, THE BACK-UP PLAN:

To be quite honest, I really sort of want to throw up. I am scared! Me, a student again?! YIKES! vomit. pass out. *THUD*

But I want security. And yes, better paychecks. And a job I can be proud of. I want a “career.”

So I have been keeping this hidden for months. The application process was more intense than I would have expected. There were a thousand things to do, and there was an online class that devoured my days off from work and a rotten test that I am sure the devil himself created (which, ahem I ACED!!!). And then the waiting. God, THE WAITING. And knowing that it is a competitive program….did I mention vomit? What if the other applicants were better? Smarter? Better? Smarter? Better?….

It’s my back-up plan. It’s my plan for my future. It’s scary and exciting and the insecure me kind of wants to put those running shoes on 😉

the story of an insecure photographer

See her hiding behind her hair? That’s the insecure photographer. That’s me.

An insecure photographer’s history in a nutshell:
I have always been insecure. I have always been painfully shy. I expect I always will be.
The End.

The problem with that?

Well, my heart happens to have attached itself to a love that requires some sense of confidence. Some form of comfort with interacting with others. My heart threw caution to the wind and fell madly, deeply in love. And gave no thought to how insecure me would feel about all of that. I have an inconsiderate heart, it seems.

So for a time, I pretended that I was not insecure. I pretended that I could be a photographer professionally.

The problem with that?

I don’t do well with pretending.

And so I failed. Well, I guess I should just let the painful truth out. I didn’t just fail. I allowed myself to fail. It was easier that way, if we’re going to be all truthful and stuff.

See, it’s painful to confront your fears. It’s actually really scary. To put yourself out there. To pretend like you are confident. And not shy. And not going to throw up or pass out or run out of the room at any given moment. Uncomfortable times, people. UNCOMFORTABLE TIMES. So instead of constantly feeling uncomfortable, why not say I’m not good enough? Why not just throw in the towel on my own terms? Why not say, I can’t do this? instead of someone else telling me I can’t do this?

So that’s what I did. I should also put out there that being a professional photographer is 5% about taking beautiful images, and 95% about business know-how. Which I had none of. I also had no ability to say no. So I shot things that I did not enjoy. And shot them far too cheap. And so that made it even easier to get frustrated and burned-out and much easier to just say I QUIT.

So I quit, sort of. I still take photos sometimes. I even have a project up my sleeve. But yeah, I pretty much quit.

But if you have been around this blog for any length of time, you have noticed that I have a complicated relationship with photography. I quit photography, even ignored it for a very long period of time. One time, it even went out to buy a pack of cigarettes, and didn’t come back! The nerve!

But I always went back. I can only stay away from my camera for so long. It brings me a comfort that nothing else in this world does. And as cheesy as that sounds, that’s something.

Now, I am not one of those poeple who thinks that just because you are good at something, you need to be doing it as a career, that you must make money at it. Quite honestly, I think that ruins a lot of people’s passions. It ruined mine. But that’s because my approach was completely wrong. I knew nothing about the business side of things. I wasn’t sure what direction I wanted to take. I didn’t understand that I could say no to people. There was so much I didn’t know. Or didn’t understand. And becuase I am so insecure, it was just much easier to run away.

And I had a pretty good pair of running shoes.

So I ran.

Funny thing is….I apparently run in circles. Because I never fail to come right back, huffing and puffing with leg cramps and short of breath, to the same spot. I need to take pictures. I want to take pictures. My true passion lies in macro. It always will. And while I know that I could make a go at the fine art world, well, I don’t want to. And yup, I know that is the insecure me talking, but that’s ok. I kind of like having macro as my own personal escape.

But I also have other photographic passions as well. And very slowly I am realizing that I can run all I want, but I am going to consistantly return to the same starting point. At some point, I am going to need to just admit that I need to make photography a part of my world. And just embrace that nagging punk and accept it into my world.

Which is what I am starting to do.

This is not to say that I will be putting a sign out any time soon. Because remember that insecure thing?  See…I want to do something with photography. But I’m scared. And insecure. And afraid of failure. And then what? I am a true believer that for most people in the business, you can go only so far. That may sound horrible and pessimistic, but it’s how I feel. That’s not to say that you can’t have a really good run of it, and even do it for 20 years, but then what? Unless you married well, how are you going to support yourself? I am a true believer in back-up plans.

SO. I decided I eventually want to be a photographer again. *GASP*  I don’t know to what capacity, but I need it in my life, so it’s a good starting point, right?

In the meantime, I need that back up plan….

still

in case there was any question, I am still obsessessed with shooting flies.

 

have a cupcake

lily

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