Posts tagged ‘loss’

August 31, 2015

The Dog that Poops Rainbows



Pink. Glitter. Sparkles. Giggles.

Those are the words that sum up our sweet girl. You’d never know it, looking at pretty much every photo I have of her. Apparently, she was as uncooperative in front of a lens as her mommy. But this girl was one of the brightest spirits that I have ever met. We always joked that she was so damn happy that when she pooped, rainbows came out. Her nickname was Twinkle Toes because of her ever present happy prance.

In December she developed a cough. She was quickly diagnosed with CHF (congestive heart failure) and we soon became what felt like constant fixtures at the vet’s office. It was so heartbreaking to watch our happy little girl battle her failing heart, but she was such a trooper through it all. She was progressing much faster than we had originally anticipated and we knew that as we constantly changed and added medications, we were simply buying time. And then last week, very unexpectedly, time left us.

We said goodbye. And now, my heart has a new hole in it.

Stinkerbell ♥

“Confess I’m not quite ready to be left.
Still, I know I gave my level best. 
You will rest your head, your strength once saving.
And when you wake you will fly away,
holding tight to the legs of all your angels.
Goodbye my love.”


February 18, 2013

passage of time

Moving on, is a simple thing,
what it leaves behind is hard.
Dave Mustaine

On this morning two years ago I awoke and, as I did every morning, reached above my head to pet my sweet pug, who loved to claim my pillow as her own. On this morning two years ago, I knew that this would be the last time that, when I reached for her, she would actually be there. This was the last day of a week of spoiling a pug rotten, knowing that her end was here. This was the morning that we would take her for her last car ride. That I would do the thing I wanted more than anything not to do, but also the thing that I knew would be the least selfish thing I would ever do in my life.

Because the selfish me? She wanted to never let go. I have known goodbyes. Goodbyes that I have had time to say, and goodbyes that were stolen from me before I had a chance to speak. I don’t get along well with goodbyes. And this goodbye…this goodbye was bound to break me. Into millions of pieces. I am difficult to love, and I have a difficult time loving back. But with this one sweet dog, love was never difficult. She taught me so very much. Maybe if you are not a dog person you cannot understand this. And if that is the case, well, I feel sorry for you.

This one creature that randomly found her way into our home change my life, and me, in uncountable ways. I never knew I was capable of caring for, and loving, something as much as I did her. For the first time in my life I truly understood what unconditional love meant. This dog became my heart. And when I said goodbye to her, she most certainly took a piece of it with her. But I had to let her go. It wasn’t fair of me to try to keep her with me, simply because I could not let her go. I had to love her enough to say goodbye. And so I said goodbye.

I am not sure when I stopped reaching above my head, searching for her in my sleep. There are still mornings I catch myself reaching.


one last snapshot before we left to say goodbye…one of my favorites

Punky | Black Pug | SW Florida Photography

Her greatest joy in life was to ride in the car…best co-pilot around!

Punky | Black Pug | SW Florida Photography

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December 18, 2011

isn’t it strange, how we move our lives for another day

the title is from a song that knocks me to my knees. it reminds me how short life is. it reminds me to appreciate what I have. it was what was playing the last time I saw my friend. he died the next day.

One year ago, I woke up to a Facebook status update of a self portrait of my friend in a hospital bed. One year ago, our phone rang alot. One year ago, I decided to bake cookies to bring to the hospital for my friend when he got out of surgery. One year ago, the mood continuously grew darker. One year ago, we got the worst possible news. One year ago, our friend, Angel Torres, died far too young.

I miss him. A lot.

His cookies are still on my kitchen counter.

August 13, 2011

dog’s best friend ; saying goodbye

We had only had Koda for about six months when we headed to Maui to be married. As much as I wanted to it obviously was not a possibility to let my new puppy tag along on the trip. Being a protective “new mom” I was horrified at the idea of leaving behind my new baby. Where would I leave him? Who would watch him?

My husband quickly put a stop to my worries and fears. Obviously, Vinnie & Dolores would watch him. Duh. They were the epitome of animal lovers. And since moving to Florida and deciding to no longer have a pet of their own they always jumped at the opportunity to be the Dog Sitter. Ok. I felt better. Koda was about to have a vacation of his own.

Being the kind of person that I am (obsessive and controlling 😉 ) I of course made a little itty bitty list that I sent along with Koda’s overstuffed suitcase. The main points of the list were pretty simple and, I thought, clear. A sampling;

1. Koda does not get many treats. Please do not give him too many!
2. DO NOT give him people food under any circumstances.
3. We do not allow him on our furniture. Don’t let him tell you otherwise.
4. Koda sleeps on the floor by our bed.
5. Please watch your socks! He has shown an interest in socks lately, so be careful he doesn’t chew yours!

I handed my list over. I cried a little. If I wasn’t blinded by tears, perhaps I would have seen as that list was tucked into a special spot, probably the garbage can, never to be read 🙂

Approximately ten days later I was beyond excited to drive to Vinnie & Dolores’ house and pick up my sweet pooh-bear. I rushed into the house expecting the most amazing, Hallmark movie kind of reunion. In slow motion my beloved puppy would slowly realize his mom was back, and would charge towards me, barking wildly and tail wagging. Yeah, ummmmmm, notsomuch.

Koda was happy so see us. I suppose. But thrilled? Definitely not. I was sad and confused. And then, I quickly saw exactly why (I suppose the ginormous bags of Beggin’ Strips and Puperoni snacks on the counter should have been a clue!).

As we sat down to talk about our trip Vinnie asked, “Did you know that Koda likes Cheerios and oranges?”

“Oh! And watch this!!!”….as he slapped his hand on the recliner and UP! Koda jumped, snuggling in between Vinnie’s feet.

“Every morning when I would get up to go to work he would stay in bed and snuggle with Lor.”

“Oh yeah, and look at this toy we made him!” as he whipped around a sock tied in a knot.

It seems while we were fishing and and sightseeing and soaking in the sights, Vinnie & Dolores were sitting up at night, giggling as, one by one, they crossed off each rule on my list that they had successfully broken. They instantly became my dog’s best friends.

Over the years, Koda has had lots of special visits with his two favorite people. Sometimes he stayed with them because we had somewhere to go. Sometimes he stayed with them because they requested a weekend with him. Sometimes they held him hostage and a weekend would turn into a week. And one time, after bringing Koda home, we feared that perhaps his tail somehow was accidentally broken because he would not raise it. For days. Because he was moping about being home! If Koda could have traded us in for Vinnie & Dolores he would have done it in a heartbeat, I am sure. When he stayed with them, he got undivided love, junk food with horrible names like Snausages, was blessed with meals consisting of prime rib, numerous walks, and did I mention that undivided love thing?

Sadly, Koda will no longer have any visits with his best friends. Yesterday afternoon, we said goodbye to Dolores. And this morning we said goodbye to Vinnie.

After a sudden and quick decline in health, they both found themselves in the hospital. And then they both found themselves in a rehab center. A little less than two weeks ago Dolores was brought to Tidewell Hospice House, and on Sunday Vinnie joined her there. They were an amazing couple and their love for each other was palpable. To say that they will be missed would be a ridiculous understatement. I take so much comfort in knowing that neither had to suffer the other’s loss, and instead they are together, side by side, as they always were.