the pursuit of happiness

I am in a rut and can clearly see that I am sitting at the bottom of a hole, looking up into the bright light, wondering why I am stuck in darkness down here at the bottom.

While visiting with April this past weekend I whined about my frustrations over not having anything to blog. Technically, I have lots to say. It’s just that it is probably nothing that needs to be aired on a blog. My intent is not to have the most depressing blog around. So instead I don’t blog at all. Which leaves me frustrated. So, do I leave the blog unattended to, let it fend for itself and hope that sporadic posts are enough to keep it alive? Or do I do what I have always done, and keep things as open and real as possible, and just hope that you stick around while I wallow in some darkness, desperating seeking a way to get to the bright side of things?

Open + Real.

So here is the thing. Happiness is a struggle for me. It always has been, really for as long as I can remember. This is not to say that I sit around crying all day. That I don’t smile or laugh or enjoy my days. It’s just that I have to work at it a little harder. It is easy for me to fall into a general state of melancholy. It is important for me to make conscious efforts at keeping things light and happy and positive. And sometimes that makes me tired. And sometimes, when things are not going well in my life, I can’t keep up with it. It seems like it is too much work. To smile. To be nice. To pretend like it is all ok. So sometimes I surrender to it. And I take a nice long vacation from happy and visit the land of blah.

The problem is, this time around I sort of let myself get stuck there for a touch too long. And now I am struggling to pull myself out of it. But I am pulling myself out of it. Since the loss of my friend in December I have felt like I have been caught in a spiral of sadness and disappointment. Going around and around and around. And at every turn another form of upset seems to latch on and drag me just a little further down. From December to mid-March I have lost an amazing friend, two pets, and an incredibly important relationship that can never be replaced. I have been having health issues and work issues and have felt very alone through it all.

And so here I sit. I am slowly pulling myself back up. And I just wanted to let you know about it. Because I have decided to be open. and real. And I hope you stick around to see how it all turns out.


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