These Are The Days

Lately the word melancholy has been making it's rounds in my head. It randomly pops up, and I think, yup, I am melancholy. And then I realized….am I? because well, I am not sure that I actually know what melancholy means. So to trusty mr. webster I went, and this is what he told me;

Melancholy 

hmmmm, sadness; depression? I don't feel sad or depressed. Pensive refelction? BINGO!!! (and for the record…I SO looked up pensive too—- deeply, often wistfully or dreamily thoughtful—hey, you can never be too sure right?). And so the word that has been taunting me now makes sense.

I feel connected to this word. I currently embody this word. I feel lost in my thoughts lately.

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* yeah, I know this photo seems so randomly placed here with my deep thoughts 🙂 but really, it isn't. I see this image, and I see the word melancholy. I know you probably don't, but I do. I snapped this shot while trapped in a moment of deep thought. I was feeling a bit sad. I was getting some fresh air and trying not to think. and yeah, I was rocking my granpa socks all the while.

There are days that I wonder what I started. I wonder if I have made some sort of mistake. I wonder if I am doing the right thing.

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There are days I am overwhelmed with being sad and scared. Of being frustrated with myself. There are days that I wonder with all of my heart why I decided to start this journey of digging up my past. I wonder why I am not strong enough to just let things go without them wreaking havoc on my heart. There are days that I wonder why I was not smarter to let these demons out a long long time ago.

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There are days when I wonder what is around the next corner.

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There are days when I wish that I could just hold my head up high, instead of feeling so very weighed down. Days when I get trapped in a broken record of negative thinking. Days when I want to forget everything, and go back to how things were.

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and then I remember, I am strong. I am doing the right thing. I am purging my demons. I am releasing my pain. I am letting go.

I am learning about myself. I am allowing myself to become a better person. I am getting back to me. I am living again. I am getting out the things that have held me down for too terribly long, so that I can lead the life I was meant to live, not one that took far too much effort to simply get through the day.

I am stuggling through this process. There are days I am incredibly tired. Drained. Days when I cannot shut my mind off, and other days when my mind seems to not want to turn on. I have days where I come up with the most delightful reasons why I should not go to therapy….and yet still end up going. Why? Because it is hard….but in the end, I know it is far easier than what I would have to go through if I did not go. So I go. And cry. and curse. and occasionally stomp my feet. but every now and then…I also laugh. So I go.

So there you go…some pensive reflection for you.

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