Snail Shells….and Accountability

nothing like a random pairing, right?!

*I suppose it is only fair for me to point on that I can sense some rambling coming on,,,,so feel free to jump on ahead to the photos :p!

Let’s start with accountability…since it has been on my mind for some time now. I am a member of a photography forum, and a member there started a great conversation about something that plagues many women—weight. So the idea is that we would all post our goals, as well as starting weights and sizes *gasp*, and we would make ourselves accountable for taking the actions to get ourselves healthier, as well as being a great support system for eachother.

This has come at a wonderful time for me. I have been struggling with my weight for at least a year. I have been gaining weight for longer than that….but truly struggling with my self image for about a year. It has been a strange battle for me. I have always been skinny. And when I say skinny…I mean skinny. I remember hearing rumors in high school that I was anorexic~ always a pleasant thing to hear about yourself. I graduated high school at 97 pounds. this is not the weight I wanted to be at- it just was the weight I was. That was the thing- I never thought about my weight, unless it was a passing thought of how I hated that people would comment on my skinnyness (because yes, that gets very annoying, very quick. You would never think to go up to an overweight woman and tell her she is fat…but it is amazing how many people will comment on your being too skinny as if that is not rude).

Being blessed with a wonderful metabolism meant that I never had to struggle with body image issues, other than the typical teenage girl stuff. I had many frustrations with being so small- back then, clothes were sized far more normally than they are now, so it was very difficult to find things in xs that fit properly. hubby never believed I could have such a hard time finding clothes until I actually dragged him out with me, and then he understood why so many times, I would leave the store in tears. What I wouldn’t give to be that size today- when all the clothes seem to be made for the itty bitty people!

About five years ago, I started putting on a lot of weight after going on Paxil for anxiety. Because the medication was such a big help, I was very reluctant to switch to something else. Remember- I was always small, so I had no concept of the weight issues that I would soon struggle with. I was coming from a body that could show improvement after just one week of sit ups. I would exercise as a way of stress release, for fun….never because I had to. I had no clue what it meant to battle weight, so I stayed on the medication until I gained almost 40 pounds from it. It was only then when I realized that I may have hit the point of no return. Suddenly, I could do hundreds of sit ups….and yet my stomach would still look flabby. In my mind, I truly thought that I would be able to work out and the weight would magically disappear in a week. Silly- but true.

This started a downward spiral for me. When I realized the weight would not easily come off, I became so frustrated and just gave up. And of course…more weight was gained. It became a vicious circle. This was a whole new world to me, one that felt so very foreign. I would look in the mirror and be utterly shocked by the girl looking back at me. Who was that? That is not the skinny Kristie that I saw in my mind. I never got used to the new me.

I soon became lost in the new me. I didn;t know how to dress this new body. How to hold it proudly. I got lost in baggy tee shirts and ill fitting jeans. I stopped caring. I missed the old me, the girl that had a distinct style all her own. Suddenly, instead of wearing cute tops I was wearing my husband’s tee shirts. I tried occasionally to lose the weight…and failed each time. I lacked the motivation. I would become so frustrated that my body could not bounce back like it used to.

It wasn’t until a few months ago that I finally realized I was putting too much pressure on myself. It was time to realize that I was not going to get my old body back…and I was certainly not going to get a healthy body back overnight. This was going to take time. And I needed to have a better reason than getting skinny to do it. Finally I realized something- while I would love to be skinny again….that will probably never happen. But what can happen is I can get healthy again. I am can learn to be okay with the body I am in. So I made a decision- to either get healthy, or learn to love this round body of mine and learn how to dress myself as a fashionable overweight girl. no more tee shirts!

So here I am….being accountable for myself. And I am proud of it : ) I am proud that I am no longer hiding from my weight, but staring it straight on. I intend to no longer allow myself to miss out on silly things inlife because I am uncomfortable with my weight. Since making my decision to get over it, I have lost thirteen pounds. I gained a few of them back after moving to an office building with an evil vending machine, but that’s okay. It is just part of the ride. I will lose them again, and more too. I have a goal of 40 pounds, and finally- I know that I can do it!

There is something to be said for being held accountable for your actions, and having it in you to face that, and challenge yourself…..and gain something really big in return.

THERE- RAMBLING OVER 😉 on to some snail shells I found in the back yard….

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  okay, so technically this isn’t a snail shell! This was a piece of wood I used as a prop for the shells, but I really liked the texture of it, and the patterns it had.

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I thought it would be fun to give you some macro perspective. Sometimes it is easy to forget, when looking at macro work, just how small the subjects really are….

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One Comment to “Snail Shells….and Accountability”

  1. I always enjoy reading your blog Kristie! what great photos you are the absolute macro queen!

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